She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.