She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
getting groceries
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
car not found
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.