She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY