She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%