She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..