She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Does this dress make me look cat?