“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You can’t rush stupid.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem