@youcancallmesim: "She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
@BurroFuma: I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he's worse than a tweet thief; he's a time-travelling tweet thief!
@Nikkeya08: Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.