My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.