Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
just witnessed a drug deal
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.