She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Ghost costume 😂
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.