She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Girl, same.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!