She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month