She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I need a headline like this
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December