@Junk_Boat: She told me she "literally died laughing," and that's when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.
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@DaddyJew: Don't get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
@iamburtjarvis: "911, what's the emergency?" we were robbed. they stole the wireless router "calm down" also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
@sarcasm_inc: Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen
@3sunzzz: Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse? Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.