Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye