Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
we all know this pain all too well
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.