She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Warm pools make me nervous.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend