a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.