she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.