She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”