This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet