I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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Can. I. Help. You.
Finally
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.