I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You Might Also Like
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.