@stephenjmolloy: Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir. Me: It's my guide dog. Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter...

@viciousbabydoll: I'm all "class". The first two letters really aren't necessary.

@envydatropic: *Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

@WheelTod: [Office meeting] *I stride in, straddle a chair: Yo Guys. Listen up Boss: Turn around Frank. We can't hear you when you're facing the wall

@kyle_thatisall: Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"