@FuckabillyRex: Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while.

@BlindVigil: *Farmer walks into job application Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn't have a computer. Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

@Wine_Honey1: The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done

@jake_likes_naps: Karen: Are we ok? Me: [removes earbud] Yes. Karen: It's just that you named a Spotify playlist "LET'S GET DIVORCED"

@KalvinMacleod: I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*