She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.