She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Name another movie that mislead you?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
incredible
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe