She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Wikigenius
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.