She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.