She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.