She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
tell em, edith-anne
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi