@Overdue_Bills: She was like "wrong hole", so I said "adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma", long story short I'm still single.
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@Jesssicle: Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?
@causticbob: My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport.
@RealChrisChirdo: "I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*
@Cali_Kid_Mike: If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.