@Overdue_Bills: She was like "wrong hole", so I said "adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma", long story short I'm still single.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [playing the board game Guess Who] Me: Is your person handsome? 5-year-old: No, they look like you.
@joelu72: [being mugged] ME: can i keep things of sentimental value? ROBBER: ok ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash...my lucky debit card
@KrangTNelson: RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food ME: that's great. love it RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run ME: no