She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly