Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You Might Also Like
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
And then there were 4
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?