I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
lmao
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
This is not me but this is me
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates