She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Awesome parenting 😂
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.