She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Social distancing in Australia:
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.