“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
When someone trying to leave me
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
#Caturday
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.