I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Lmao
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in