43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.