Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You have been warned.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.