she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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*seductively corrects your posture*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.