She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Dear Lord..
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own