Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.