Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Not messing around
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.