cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My favorite type of men is ramen.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Education is vital
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!