Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
adam and eve had first world problems
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
are they though??
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.