me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This is so me 😂😂
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting