[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!