SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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sir, my pâté if you please
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If a snake ate a cake
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”