SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*