sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
looks legit
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.