(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?