(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions